Catch a falling star~

Ugh.

Thu, 16 May 2013 20:14:47 -0400

Newly-found motivation: I look absolutely HIDEOUS in pictures.

I’m not even exaggerating. We had a photoshoot today and in my mind, I thought I looked good. Apparently, the camera disagreed because I looked HUGE! I didn’t even look pretty =[ and not just that, but I have all these old clothes that I can’t even fit in anymore. I cleaned out my closet and discovered that half the things I used to wear are pretty fitting on me TT___TT

This summer. This summer FOR SURE! I wanna look GOOD, not just for the people around me, but especially for myself.

Especially. For. Myself.

I wanna look good in tank tops and shorts. I wanna be able to wear smaller sizes and have the confidence to rock everything that I’m wearing. I wanna be able to make Mike look good.

I know that I’ve said stuff about working out and failed to follow through with it. I believe that this is an appropriate motivation for me. I guess I need to start looking at pictures of myself to keep me motivated, eh?

That, and to not believe people when they say that I look good until I agree with them. Haha!

Confession...

Mon, 13 May 2013 19:52:42 -0400

I guess it’s time that I confess something…

I’m secretly planning my wedding.

I remember the days when I dreamed of elaborate weddings with a dead gorgeous ceremony and reception with gourmet food and a beautiful princess wedding dress.

But being more realistic and learning to be more frugal and cautious with money…I think my ideal wedding is a simple one. I’ve been pinning wedding things to my wedding board on pinterest and I’ve been keeping a Word document with some ideas for my future wedding.

Looking at it now, I think I have a good idea of what I want my wedding to be now.

So scary, but so exciting! But at the same time, I don’t ever want to get married. I just want to date my boyfriend for forever while living at home with my family for ever and ever.

But I know it cannot be that way. Oh well.

Counting my blessings.

Sun, 12 May 2013 23:16:18 -0400

I’ve always wanted someone who would listen to me unconditionally—someone who won’t criticize what I’m saying and someone who would just…listen.

Turns out, he was right beside me all along =]

I was with the boyfriend the whole day. We even went to go pick up his dad from the airport. I was really tired today—only got 5 hours of sleep last night and I’m a person who loves my sleep—so he tried to get me talking in order to help him stay up on the ride back to school.

Don’t know how it happened, exactly, but he got me talking.

Like…really talking.

I poured out all my stress, all my emotions, and all the words that I had kept inside of my heart for an entire semester—maybe even almost the entire year. I said things I never thought I’d say and I ended up saying things that I knew I would say about certain things, people, and situations.

The things I said would probably make someone think differently about me. People would probably begin hating me or distancing themselves from me because of my opinions.

But my boyfriend just sat there quietly, asking me a few questions here and there. When we got to campus, he asked me, “Feel better now?”

And surprisingly, I did.

I’m so blessed. I don’t remember being able to talk to someone like that. Whenever i did, people would always try to correct me or they’d always have to add their 2 cents in and try to “purify” whatever I said. When I say things, I always say things out of emotion and then end up thinking about what I said earlier. I don’t always speak with rationale and common sense.

And at the end of it all, he said, “I still love you no matter your opinion.”

I truly have a good man standing by my side.

=[

Sun, 12 May 2013 08:02:44 -0400

Woke up my a dream that involved my family—my mom, Amii, Isaak, and my dad.

But in this dream, everything revolved around my dad. In my dream, there was even a part where my dad had prepared a gift that he spent time on, and it made me bawl my eyes out.

I guess I didn’t realize how much I missed my dad.

Maybe it’s a good thing I’ll be able to see him this summer at least once before I don’t see him anymore.

Who would've thought?

Sun, 12 May 2013 02:44:00 -0400

Seems like people like telling me things these days.

Some are a little more personal than others, but hey, whatever works for them…I guess.

Why? Because I seem trustworthy.

The definition of trustworthy is reliable.

*sigh* it’s such a big honor. I’ve never been called trustworthy before.

Lord, help me to keep my mouth shut and my ears open. I don’t want to let down anyone.

Ugh.

Thu, 09 May 2013 14:28:00 -0400

Finals week.

On a side note, my life as a junior in college is almost over.

After that comes summer school.

Then after that comes my internship to Thailand…

Then it’s the school year again…and I’ll be a senior.

Scary.

Future plans.

Thu, 02 May 2013 23:52:11 -0400

Thinking about the future is scary…especially when I think about having kids and being a mother.

Especially with society and how people are these days, how am I going to raise a God-fearing daughter?

I’m rebelling in little ways (ear piercings and hair coloring xDDD) but for the most part, I know my limits and I know what’s right and what’s wrong. My mother was able to raise me to become the girl I am today.

How am I going to do that with my future daughter(s)?

You might think that I might be a little crazy to think THAT far into the future. Well…I can’t help it. I’ve seen too many young girls these days who confirm to this world—who say one thing and say other things elsewhere and do things differently.

I want my daughters to know God.

What the jay?

Thu, 02 May 2013 16:29:52 -0400

I think it’s HILARIOUS that Toccoa Falls is trying to incorporate dancing into events now. Now that everyone’s had a taste of dancing, they want more, more, and more!

For me personally, I just sit back and laugh.

Reality check.

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 20:08:00 -0400

I honestly hate college.

I don’t hate the people or the experiences or the professors. I don’t hate anything about college because it’s been such a wonderful experience.

But I hate college.

Why does college have to be so expensive? If I would’ve known how brutal college is, I would’ve done so much better in high school and in the early years of college when I was just a child.

Now, it’s all about money, money, money.

I hate money. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

But maybe it’s just my stress talking. There’s no way that I can pay so much in so little time.

If I were ever to drop out, it would be because of financial problems.

Why now? Of all years…why now?

Feeling the burn.

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 16:34:16 -0400

So stressed.

Students are usually stressed about school work and projects and things like that during the last few weeks of school.

Not me. I worry about other little details.

I worry about financial things. I stress about graduating on time. I fear for my future.

I don’t know how I’m going to get through these next few months without financial provisions. My parents can’t do anything anymore; we’ve all reached our limits financially.

God, please help!

Say what?

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 00:57:27 -0400

I don’t understand. I really, really, really don’t understand.

They’re going to drive me CRAZY -___-

Really?

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 22:21:24 -0400

I dunno. So many things happening so fast. I feel like my mind can’t grasp anything at all because everything just happens in the blink of an eye and before I know it, it’s already come and gone.

I see a lot of people making irrational decisions…or decisions that are just plain stupid. I’m probably included in that group of people. Come on, I know you can make better decisions than that. You don’t need her—you’re so desperate. Straighten things out with him rather than stringing things out. Hurry up and do something—you can’t be indecisive forever.

Ugh. What bad thoughts.

Everything seems to be coming to an end so quickly…school, homework, monthly payments, the boyfriend’s graduating…but they only open to bigger things such as more school, more homework and papers and group work, and even more money that the school demands from me.

So much to do, so little time. So much pressure, but no friend to listen and sympathize. So much on my mind and in my heart but words don’t exist for me to try and explain them.

Life is coming by so fast. I’m ready to embrace the real world, but at the same time, I’m scared of what is to come—maybe it’s fear of the unknown.

Mistakes could be costly in the real world.

=/

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 23:34:58 -0400

Just bought two new bettas from Walmart. I was surprised to see bettas in such good condition because the water was still clear, bettas were flaring, and females were on the top shelf! =0 but I’ve seen prettier females. I have one tank left, and that’s a two gallon tank, so I might transfer Takeshi into that one tomorrow.

Oh yes, speaking of bettas…

The first betta I bought this year [well, Mike bought him for my Valentine’s Day gift. I personally picked him out ^__^] is Ninja. He’s a red delta-tail with cellophane outlining his tail. I named him Ninja because it fits his personality. He’s shady, he easily blends in with his surroundings [he pulled a move the first day I got him; he disappeared and I thought he jumped out of the tank!] and he changes colors once in a while, from red to brown then back to red.

The second betta I bought is Takeshi. He is a dark blue, and fairly large, crowntail. I bought him because he’s aggressive and was flaring when I saw him. Right now he’s in a 1.5 gallon tank, which I’m very unhappy, but I’m going to transfer him to the 2-gallon tank soon…either that, or I’m going to end up doing some major tank-switching tomorrow -__- LOL

But yes, I’m satisfied with my two Walmart bettas. There was a red one that I was eyeing, but oh well…I guess I’ll go find a red one at Petco or something. Or I could buy another tank and get a red crowntail =0

Decisions, decisions.

Well...

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 22:03:36 -0400

Just when I think I start to understand them, they always pull a surprise one on me.

*sigh* this family is getting harder and harder to love.

God, give me strength and courage, and the wisdom to have the right things to say to them to encourage them and give them boldness.

Aigoo.

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 06:52:38 -0400

The entire time I was ~~running~~ jogging and walking around campus, my mind was blank. When I got back into the room and went to shower, my mind was lecturing me,

“YOU MUST BE CRAZY.”

Yeah, I think I’m pretty crazy, too.

But I feel healthier already? LOL

This is something I should’ve done my freshman year. I know I would’ve been in healthier physical state of mind and body than I am now. Well, no point of looking back and sighing regretfully.

Now I just gotta look forward and press on.

Fighting!

Good grief!

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 11:28:49 -0400

I feel like…I’m going crazy! Looking over my emails and stuff, I realized that…maybe I got a little too excited. Plane tickets right now are $1,600 and field costs are only…$3,525 so including that plane ticket price, it’s only…$5,125?

But then…at the beginning of my fundraising and stuff, plane tickets were around $2,000 each. Maybe that’s why my goal was $6,000—$3,525 for field costs and $2,000 for plane tickets plus a little extra in case tickets were over $2,000 or something like that…

And…payments were actually due in the middle of May because 30 days before June 13th is mid-May?! WHAT IS THIS?!?!?!

OMG I’m going crazy.

But…I still need those summer classes in order to graduate in time. That’s one obstacle that is still blocking my way. I guess Thailand is the best choice for me since I’m in need of classes. I don’t think I would have been able to raise $5,000 by mid-May anyway…

One door closes, another one opens...maybe.

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 22:57:00 -0400

I called my parents and talked about it. First, I called my mom and asked for her advice on my internship. Then I talked with my siblings for a bit. Then I bawled my eyes out when I heard my dad say, “Hey, nai.” My parents both confirmed my worst fear.

No more Japan for me. God had closed the door on me.

I only had about $800 at the most. $800 fundraised—given to me by people who were willing to support me and who were waiting to see how I would be used in Japan. $800 wasn’t enough, though; it wasn’t anywhere near the $6,000 that I needed to pay by the end of this month.

I was so ready to go to Japan. I was so ready to leave the United States and to experience a totally new culture where I didn’t know the language and barely even knew the culture. I was ready.

But God pulled a “sike!” thing and instead said to me, “Sike! You’re not going to Japan anymore!”

I’m just kidding. I’m sure God didn’t say anything like that at all.

But he closed the door to Japan and opened the door to…somewhere else.

The only place I can think of to go on such a short notice is…Thailand. Interestingly, there’s a female missionary in Thailand who was in Georgia to visit some family and I clearly remember hearing her say,

“If you want to come to Thailand with me, let me know three months ahead; I will arrange to take you to see the Hmong in the mountains.”

And even as I write this, those words ring clearly in my head.

Honestly, I’m disappointed. I can’t help but wonder and ask, “WHY, GOD? WHY? WHY NOT JAPAN?”

I know it’s not the end of the world. Everyone on facebook has been trying to comfort me like I think it’s the end of the world or something.

But it still hurts to think that Japan isn’t a possibility anymore and that it’s not going to become a reality any time soon.

Maybe God’s going to do something drastic that will change my life. Maybe there’s something waiting for me in Thailand. Who knows? I sure don’t, but I know God will.

God, please help me see the good in this.

Taking Risks.

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 22:43:43 -0400

The payment deadline for my internship is coming up soon…it’s at the end of this month, but…

I’m so scared.

What if I don’t get enough money by the end of the month? The latest is probably May 1st. But still…what if?

My head tells me that God will provide. I know He will provide because He’s provided for me dozens of times. Will He still come through even now?

I’m starting to sell cheesecake with hopes of being able to raise even more money so that I can get closer to my goal lof $6,000. $765 is not anywhere near my goal, but at least it’s something, and it’s definitely more than I have ever imagined.

God,please, give me strength. I know deep in my heart that I can’t do this without you.

Spring Tour 2013

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 06:04:00 -0400

Spring Tour has come and gone like the wind. It was really quick but it felt like it lasted for a while.

While I was at Spring Tour, something happened that I never thought would happen in my lifetime.

Remember the guy who was “the one that got away” but didn’t really get away because nothing happened?

Well, see him again made me realize that there were still some leftover feelings in my heart. When I got to the church, my friend came because he heard I was coming and so seeing him again made me happy because it was nice to be able to see someone so familiar to me. Crystal [who just so happens to be a counseling major] told me that she observed that I seemed to have those “if only” feelings in my heart. After thinking about it, I told her that yes, it was true that I still had those “if only” feelings in my heart but my head told me that it’s a good thing that we’re not together and nothing happened. I think that there were still some feelings leftover from all those years of liking him.

Hanging out with him for the weekend really taught and confirmed something important, though. It’s a good thing we’re not together and it’s a good thing that nothing ever happened between us. It’s a really good thing.

Saturday, I hung out with my friend through the day but I also tried to ditch him so he could make new friends. Every time I saw him, though, he was always standing by himself with his hands in his pockets.

Sunday after church, he actually showed up [because he goes to a different church] and we sat around and talked for a bit. I was actually becoming a little uncomfortable [which has never happened to me before] because he was sitting a little too close to me but I didn’t want to say anything because we’ve been friends for 10 years, you know? But it was just so…strange for me to feel uncomfortable around him.

Sunday night, we all went out bowling and he came along because he wasn’t going to see me the next day when we would leave. He was so determined to go bowling with me. I told him that we had to bowl with other people but he wanted to bowl with the two of us because it was my last day in Tulsa. No matter how much I refused, he tried dozens of ways and excuses to get me to bowl. Eventually he became frustrated and told me that he’d leave disappointed in me if I didn’t bowl with him. I didn’t budge because I really didn’t want to bowl! All I wanted to do was sit around and socialize because bowling’s not my thing and I think it’s absolutely boring.

So he left, and I actually didn’t care. I even walked him to his car and just went right back inside the bowling alley.

During all this, it confirmed something that my head knew all along but my heart was too stubborn to admit it.

My friend definitely wasn’t the right one for me, and there’s absolutely no doubt about it now.

Just seeing how he reacted to me not wanting to bowl and just seeing how he refused to socialize with people he didn’t know was something that was just SO unattractive. He refused to talk to the Toccoa people [except Pha because he was his small group leader, and Crystal because she’s easy to talk to] but other than that, no new friends. I told Crystal about it and she was happy for me that I was able to resolve that little issue with my heart.

My friend actually came back and he was [kind of forced] to bowl with some of the Toccoa guys. He didn’t even talk with them and that disappointed me even more because I really wanted him to make new friends and get to know new people but he just wouldn’t budge. I ended up being caught up in a long conversation with one of the Toccoa guys and after they finished bowling, my friend just left without even saying a word to me.

I’m not sure how he feels about me know, whether he’s disappointed or angry at me for that or just neutral and uncaring about it, but I know it was all for the best.

Throughout the night, I kept thinking about Michael. He was always on my mind. Mike would never keep pressuring me to bowl. He would never get frustrated at me for such a small thing. He would never make me do something that I didn’t want to do unless we both knew that it was good for me and I was just being stubborn about it.

I sincerely thank God for blessing me with such a man.

My friend would not have been such a man and we probably would’ve ended badly.

I’m sure that a few people were suspicious about me and him. I’m sure a lot of people misunderstood but didn’t want to approach me about it. That’s how people are. Michael Chang talked to me about it and he actually ended up lecturing me about it. Jerry Lor asked me if my friend liked me and I explained that we were just friends. I appreciate the fact that they were concerned about me [and Michael] but it would’ve been nice if they just came and physically stood/sat there with me. I just wish that they would’ve said something to help me out so that no one would misunderstand. I did my best not to be alone with him because I have a boyfriend whom I love dearly; I always sat where there were people. I wish that some of the guys would’ve came and sat with us while we talked. I think I would’ve been more comfortable that way but since no one came to my rescue, it was just me. Only Crystal came to my rescue at the end of the day and I’m thankful for that.

After Sunday night, I was just praising God for Michael. I just kept praising Him and I just kept thinking about Michael. Never have I been so eager to see Michael. Never have I ever loved him so much than now. I think those small feelings hindered me and caused me to hold back so much from Michael. Now, I feel renewed and I feel like I can really become a woman who can truly love him.

Honestly, I came went on Spring Tour for my own selfish purposes. It was just going to be a weekend vacation and I was just going to hang out with my friend. God has a funny sense of humor, though, and He allowed me to meet some cool people.

Most importantly, He allowed me to find closure.

Of course, I didn’t realize that I found closure until I felt peace after seeing my friend leave the bowling alley in a disappointed manner. He may have been disappointed, but I surely wasn’t. Even Priscilla was happy for me, and that’s gotta be a good thing, right?

I’m just blown away by God’s sovereignty. He knew what I needed and He put to rest all the insecurities and worries about me and Mike and everything that hindered me from really loving Michael with everything I had.

God surely knows what’s best. Closure was one of those things that was needed to be done.

Weird.

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 23:51:00 -0400

I’ve been feeling so…emo these days. Not emo, like, “THERE’S NO TOMORROW!!!!!: but emo as in happy one moment, sad the next, depressed in a few hours, and then neutral.

No, I’m not on my period.

So many things have been swirling in my mind lately. It’s hard to find a person who will just listen to you and not say anything at all but sit with you in silence as comfort. It’s hard.

I’m beginning to come to terms with something that I’ve struggled with for so long: losing/leaving Michael.

This past weekend, our World Missions Department had a retreat for rising seniors and we went to the mountains of North Carolina for a 3-day 2-night weekend. Something that was emphasized a lot was marriage and whether it was intentional or not, it got us all thinking.

For me, it was the hardest thing to think of. I think I’ve always had a fear of losing Michael or even dumping him. These days, I’ve been wondering how life would be if I dumped him and began doing my own thing again. I know it sounds really bad, but it’s what’s been on my mind.

I struggled with the thought of, “If following God’s call meant ending my relationship with Michael, would I do it? Would I choose God over my relationship?”

It’s a hard question.

I love Michael. The last thing I would want to do is hurt him, but at the same time, would I abandon God’s calling just to be with the man I love?

Such a hard question.

I came to the conclusion that yes, I would end my relationship with Michael if that’s what I had to sacrifice to follow God’s calling. I had a really heavy heart after thinking through all this so I talked to Michael about it. I even cried. I asked him what he thought about it and he said,

“Well, what can I do about it? Of course it would hurt, but what can I do?”

Gahhh, I wish he would be more selfish -___-“

I know he won’t chase after me. I know he won’t try to stop me. That’s just how he is.

But if the Lord wills, I have no intention of leaving Michael and I pray that he has no intentions of leaving me. I hope that we have a future somewhere in God’s plans but I’m not someone who can decide that.

All I can do now is hide myself in God’s word and prepare myself for what is to come.